If you have read my previous blog your first glance at the title of this one-sided conversation could lead one to believe that this is going to be a lengthy "heart & soul tell all" kind of a babble. :) If you were looking forward to reading something along those lines, I apologize, for it is not.....& if you were looking forward to that, I am sad for you because you must be really bored ;) go for a jog or read a real book by a real author.
Now, walking into walls....that's what I am doing today. Literally. Ha. Aaaaand I happen to be doing it infront of my boss! She already doesn't think much of me, or anyone else for that matter, so this just makes it hilarious! Me...walking into walls....in front of her. As if not being able to sleep but for a few hours last night wasn't punishment enough when the alarm clock went off @ 6:30 AM. :( I wish it would have been one of those "turned around & grazed the wall with my arm" kind of things, but of course, it wasn't. No, when I turned around to walk back to my desk it was nothing so graceful. I turned, took a step, and BAM! there's my face implanted in the wall! Hahahaha. Holy shnykies. How ridiculously embaressing. What a long flipping day it is going to be. I hope somebody laughed from this. :) I know I did.
Ps. go buy Hillsong's new CD. You'll be very happy. promise!
6.23.2009
6.21.2009
An ode to my love
I wrote this one day to my sister Mandie in Albuquerque, whom i horribly miss, while bored at work. :) i love making her laugh. Mandie, you make me feel like the funniest person ever to have lived! :)
when i lie in bed each night admist my sleeplessness dreaming of us, nay, longing for us to be together again, my heart flitters and my soul yearns that one day soon, my love, to me, shall be with me once more forevermore.
when i lie in bed each night admist my sleeplessness dreaming of us, nay, longing for us to be together again, my heart flitters and my soul yearns that one day soon, my love, to me, shall be with me once more forevermore.
I apologize now if anyone reads this... :)
I have so many things on my heart and in my head I can't figure out just where to begin.
Well, I have made a few changes in my life these last few months. I have decided to go to a new church. I have mixed feelings about this. Do understand that I am very excited about this, however, I have some reservations. You will see if you choose to continue reading. I have been at Central for the last 20 years of my life. Central is home to me. It was literally like my 2nd home growing up. I know that place like the back of my hand. When people would get locked out of the Sunday School office they would come and find me and I would break into it with this funny little plant leaf that they had in the women's bathroom! I love those silly memories. :) I prided myself on that one growing up. Heck, I'm not going to lie...I still do! ;) Everyone there that I have grown to love and appreciate over the years are my family. I'm closer to them than I am some of my own flesh & blood. If it hadn't been for Pastor Doug (a man I love & respect just as dearly as my own father), I never would have started playing guitar outside of my room! To you, I say thank you. Thank you for making me play guitar in front of, oh, I don't know, 300 - 700+ people nearly every Sunday regardless of my insane shyness and constant anxiety! Haha. You have helped me become a better person and musician. I admire and respect you. You have been and will always be one of my spiritual mentors (yup, you're still stuck with me). ;) Side note: I am amazed that I can play guitar in front of the entire church now with practically no anxiety but I can't seem to play in front of a small group of people or even worse - a single person! Haha. pathetic. moving on now. Central has always been my family. However, I believe that it is time for me to plant my own seeds and to find my own place based on my own beliefs and principals. Now I find myself attending this church called Renovate. I love it. I don't think I've attended a single service where I hadn't wept from my spirit being moved by the worship. The lessons have also been encouraging to me. I look forward to each Sunday morning just so I can worship with everyone there. I feel a sense of freedom. It's amazing. I have met a few very nice & lovely people. However, I wasn't emotionally or mentally prepared to be the "new chick" that people notice but don't engage. It kinda sucks. I believe that I will now always go out of my way to greet new faces where ever I may be. I didn't know it could be so...awkward being new. The first time I walked in there I expected to just mesh right in & to get plugged into a core group of people & to begin working in ministry soon after. Well, I have been going there for 1 1/2 months now and I haven't even met the pastor & his wife. Ha. So, you can understand how I might be feeling slightly discouraged and a little sad. It kinda hit me like a ton of bricks as I walked out the church doors this morning not meeting a single new face, that I might have had some unrealistic expectations. I didn't realize that it would be such a long & emotional process. I want to introduce myself to people I see randomly but I'm afraid I'll be dubbed as the "crazy new chick that lacks social finesse"! Hahaha. Oiy. I think that the Lord is really just going to town with me on this one. He's having me face some things right now that can be trying, but I know that it's only to make me stronger. More like him (hopefully. that's the general idea, right?). I am grateful that He loves me enough to spend the time & efforts on me! What a guy ;) I am definitely going through...something. I am surrounded by people and yet my heart is so sad. I know that it is God desiring me to have Him be my all. To be my friend, my provider, my love, my soul's mate, my prince in shining armour - my everything. These lyrics have been running through my head for the last month or so, "Lord you have my heart, and I will search for yours, Jesus take my life and lead me on. Lord you have my heart, and I will search for yours, let me be to you a sacrifice." - just some of the words to 'Lord you have my heart'. My hearts song has been to know God in the most intimate of ways. I realize that there are some "things" that need to be removed from my life before that can happen. I know that God has been removing all of my "security blankets" from my life for the last several years. I am definitely feeling the effects of it! It's bitter sweet. It can make my flesh just cringe & boil but when He's done my heart & spirit feel so refreshed! It's a sweet thing. My prayer right now is for God to be my everything. My all-in-all. I mean, I am a single 23 year old woman -it's natural to be in want of a few things right now. ;) But my prayer is that I will put all of that aside and focus on God and trust that all of my hearts desires will be fulfilled in His timing (Ps. 37:4). This morning Dave Diller - Pastor of Renovate - said something rather enlightening today. He said something along the lines of "you don't hurt for nothing". You don't pain for nothing. Everything that we experience, there is a PURPOSE for it. I found encouragement in that today. In our brokenness that is when God molds us in His image. Wow. What a God. He loves us SO much that He wants to share His very self with us. Alright...I could go on and on with this one...I will spare you. If there's even a "you" out there reading this. :) I don't care. I needed to get this off of my chest. The scary thing is that this is hardly skimming the surface! ;) So....the saga will continue. Probably later tonight. poor saps. ;)
Well, I have made a few changes in my life these last few months. I have decided to go to a new church. I have mixed feelings about this. Do understand that I am very excited about this, however, I have some reservations. You will see if you choose to continue reading. I have been at Central for the last 20 years of my life. Central is home to me. It was literally like my 2nd home growing up. I know that place like the back of my hand. When people would get locked out of the Sunday School office they would come and find me and I would break into it with this funny little plant leaf that they had in the women's bathroom! I love those silly memories. :) I prided myself on that one growing up. Heck, I'm not going to lie...I still do! ;) Everyone there that I have grown to love and appreciate over the years are my family. I'm closer to them than I am some of my own flesh & blood. If it hadn't been for Pastor Doug (a man I love & respect just as dearly as my own father), I never would have started playing guitar outside of my room! To you, I say thank you. Thank you for making me play guitar in front of, oh, I don't know, 300 - 700+ people nearly every Sunday regardless of my insane shyness and constant anxiety! Haha. You have helped me become a better person and musician. I admire and respect you. You have been and will always be one of my spiritual mentors (yup, you're still stuck with me). ;) Side note: I am amazed that I can play guitar in front of the entire church now with practically no anxiety but I can't seem to play in front of a small group of people or even worse - a single person! Haha. pathetic. moving on now. Central has always been my family. However, I believe that it is time for me to plant my own seeds and to find my own place based on my own beliefs and principals. Now I find myself attending this church called Renovate. I love it. I don't think I've attended a single service where I hadn't wept from my spirit being moved by the worship. The lessons have also been encouraging to me. I look forward to each Sunday morning just so I can worship with everyone there. I feel a sense of freedom. It's amazing. I have met a few very nice & lovely people. However, I wasn't emotionally or mentally prepared to be the "new chick" that people notice but don't engage. It kinda sucks. I believe that I will now always go out of my way to greet new faces where ever I may be. I didn't know it could be so...awkward being new. The first time I walked in there I expected to just mesh right in & to get plugged into a core group of people & to begin working in ministry soon after. Well, I have been going there for 1 1/2 months now and I haven't even met the pastor & his wife. Ha. So, you can understand how I might be feeling slightly discouraged and a little sad. It kinda hit me like a ton of bricks as I walked out the church doors this morning not meeting a single new face, that I might have had some unrealistic expectations. I didn't realize that it would be such a long & emotional process. I want to introduce myself to people I see randomly but I'm afraid I'll be dubbed as the "crazy new chick that lacks social finesse"! Hahaha. Oiy. I think that the Lord is really just going to town with me on this one. He's having me face some things right now that can be trying, but I know that it's only to make me stronger. More like him (hopefully. that's the general idea, right?). I am grateful that He loves me enough to spend the time & efforts on me! What a guy ;) I am definitely going through...something. I am surrounded by people and yet my heart is so sad. I know that it is God desiring me to have Him be my all. To be my friend, my provider, my love, my soul's mate, my prince in shining armour - my everything. These lyrics have been running through my head for the last month or so, "Lord you have my heart, and I will search for yours, Jesus take my life and lead me on. Lord you have my heart, and I will search for yours, let me be to you a sacrifice." - just some of the words to 'Lord you have my heart'. My hearts song has been to know God in the most intimate of ways. I realize that there are some "things" that need to be removed from my life before that can happen. I know that God has been removing all of my "security blankets" from my life for the last several years. I am definitely feeling the effects of it! It's bitter sweet. It can make my flesh just cringe & boil but when He's done my heart & spirit feel so refreshed! It's a sweet thing. My prayer right now is for God to be my everything. My all-in-all. I mean, I am a single 23 year old woman -it's natural to be in want of a few things right now. ;) But my prayer is that I will put all of that aside and focus on God and trust that all of my hearts desires will be fulfilled in His timing (Ps. 37:4). This morning Dave Diller - Pastor of Renovate - said something rather enlightening today. He said something along the lines of "you don't hurt for nothing". You don't pain for nothing. Everything that we experience, there is a PURPOSE for it. I found encouragement in that today. In our brokenness that is when God molds us in His image. Wow. What a God. He loves us SO much that He wants to share His very self with us. Alright...I could go on and on with this one...I will spare you. If there's even a "you" out there reading this. :) I don't care. I needed to get this off of my chest. The scary thing is that this is hardly skimming the surface! ;) So....the saga will continue. Probably later tonight. poor saps. ;)
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