I apologize now if anyone reads this... :)

I have so many things on my heart and in my head I can't figure out just where to begin.

Well, I have made a few changes in my life these last few months. I have decided to go to a new church. I have mixed feelings about this. Do understand that I am very excited about this, however, I have some reservations. You will see if you choose to continue reading. I have been at Central for the last 20 years of my life. Central is home to me. It was literally like my 2nd home growing up. I know that place like the back of my hand. When people would get locked out of the Sunday School office they would come and find me and I would break into it with this funny little plant leaf that they had in the women's bathroom! I love those silly memories. :) I prided myself on that one growing up. Heck, I'm not going to lie...I still do! ;) Everyone there that I have grown to love and appreciate over the years are my family. I'm closer to them than I am some of my own flesh & blood. If it hadn't been for Pastor Doug (a man I love & respect just as dearly as my own father), I never would have started playing guitar outside of my room! To you, I say thank you. Thank you for making me play guitar in front of, oh, I don't know, 300 - 700+ people nearly every Sunday regardless of my insane shyness and constant anxiety! Haha. You have helped me become a better person and musician. I admire and respect you. You have been and will always be one of my spiritual mentors (yup, you're still stuck with me). ;) Side note: I am amazed that I can play guitar in front of the entire church now with practically no anxiety but I can't seem to play in front of a small group of people or even worse - a single person! Haha. pathetic. moving on now. Central has always been my family. However, I believe that it is time for me to plant my own seeds and to find my own place based on my own beliefs and principals. Now I find myself attending this church called Renovate. I love it. I don't think I've attended a single service where I hadn't wept from my spirit being moved by the worship. The lessons have also been encouraging to me. I look forward to each Sunday morning just so I can worship with everyone there. I feel a sense of freedom. It's amazing. I have met a few very nice & lovely people. However, I wasn't emotionally or mentally prepared to be the "new chick" that people notice but don't engage. It kinda sucks. I believe that I will now always go out of my way to greet new faces where ever I may be. I didn't know it could be so...awkward being new. The first time I walked in there I expected to just mesh right in & to get plugged into a core group of people & to begin working in ministry soon after. Well, I have been going there for 1 1/2 months now and I haven't even met the pastor & his wife. Ha. So, you can understand how I might be feeling slightly discouraged and a little sad. It kinda hit me like a ton of bricks as I walked out the church doors this morning not meeting a single new face, that I might have had some unrealistic expectations. I didn't realize that it would be such a long & emotional process. I want to introduce myself to people I see randomly but I'm afraid I'll be dubbed as the "crazy new chick that lacks social finesse"! Hahaha. Oiy. I think that the Lord is really just going to town with me on this one. He's having me face some things right now that can be trying, but I know that it's only to make me stronger. More like him (hopefully. that's the general idea, right?). I am grateful that He loves me enough to spend the time & efforts on me! What a guy ;) I am definitely going through...something. I am surrounded by people and yet my heart is so sad. I know that it is God desiring me to have Him be my all. To be my friend, my provider, my love, my soul's mate, my prince in shining armour - my everything. These lyrics have been running through my head for the last month or so, "Lord you have my heart, and I will search for yours, Jesus take my life and lead me on. Lord you have my heart, and I will search for yours, let me be to you a sacrifice." - just some of the words to 'Lord you have my heart'. My hearts song has been to know God in the most intimate of ways. I realize that there are some "things" that need to be removed from my life before that can happen. I know that God has been removing all of my "security blankets" from my life for the last several years. I am definitely feeling the effects of it! It's bitter sweet. It can make my flesh just cringe & boil but when He's done my heart & spirit feel so refreshed! It's a sweet thing. My prayer right now is for God to be my everything. My all-in-all. I mean, I am a single 23 year old woman -it's natural to be in want of a few things right now. ;) But my prayer is that I will put all of that aside and focus on God and trust that all of my hearts desires will be fulfilled in His timing (Ps. 37:4). This morning Dave Diller - Pastor of Renovate - said something rather enlightening today. He said something along the lines of "you don't hurt for nothing". You don't pain for nothing. Everything that we experience, there is a PURPOSE for it. I found encouragement in that today. In our brokenness that is when God molds us in His image. Wow. What a God. He loves us SO much that He wants to share His very self with us. Alright...I could go on and on with this one...I will spare you. If there's even a "you" out there reading this. :) I don't care. I needed to get this off of my chest. The scary thing is that this is hardly skimming the surface! ;) So....the saga will continue. Probably later tonight. poor saps. ;)