So...
Have you ever gone rumaging through old boxes & found things that brought so many different thoughts & emotions instantly back to memory??!! lol Well, I did that just now :) haha...& i am crying from laughing so hard! The items that really got me going are my old journals...from when i was about 17-21. I cringe at some of the things that I said! ugh. Especially about past relationships! hahaha. As if it wasn't bad enough that my grammar was so horrible then to add the emotional rantings of a frustrated teenage girl! Oy. I read something about how "...it was the end of the world" back when I was 17...it was something so silly now in hindsight. How did we ever learn to take things in life so seriously?! lol I don't know but if ever you feel the need for reflection, decluttering or just a good hearty laugh at your own expense, I strongly encourage everyone to do read through old love notes, journals &/or whatever other random items you have. But personally I find that the love notes & journals give the most bang for your buck! ;)
enjoy.
12.27.2009
11.04.2009
opening our eyes
so this afternoon i was thinking more about what church is. what church is supposed to accomplish. what church is supposed to do and what it's supposed to be. i don't believe that church is just a building. that it's a place where christians merely meet. i believe that believers, christians, followers of Christ - that's what church is. WE are the church. the body of Christ. i know that that phrase is tossed around rather casually & that it has become somewhat of a cliche but have you ever really thought about what that means to be the body of Christ? it's a beautiful thing. think about it. read about it...for yourself.
i was talking to someone today about some of our countries' current issues - racisim, equal rights for homosexuals, health care, how the government has lost sight of why it was created - to help the people, not control or take advantage of them, corrupted democracy, how because of greed & self-righteousness there will always be poor amongst the abundantly wealthy. conversations like this can easily make me feel overwhelmed by the weight of all that is wrong & corrupt in our world & specifically our country. there is so much gone wrong in our world. if we ever want to see a change, action will be required. this makes me think about the church.
What is the church doing today to help a world that has lost sight of it's purpose? A world that every day falls deeper & deeper into a dark & deceitful pit of self gratification, lust & greed. The most common action that the church takes is prayer. Prayer & intercession for the hurting, the needy, the broken, the saints, the lost, the forgotten, the searching, the humbled, the wicked, the proud and so on and so on. But what else does the church do? I know that there are some that go further than that, further than their favorite church pew that they sit in once or twice a week. but I wonder how many of us go beyond just praying. (know that i am not negating from the power or importance of prayer.) I dare say a more important question would be what is the church supposed to be doing? we live in a world that is corrupt in comparison to the way it was created & we say we desire to see a change & yet so many of us are just sitting on our bums crossing our fingers oh-so-tightly wishing & praying that "hopefully everything will all work out for the best". We are to trust in God in everything, true, however, God never said "oh, just kick back & relax & trust that I'll take care of everything juuuust as long as you make sure to show up every Sunday morning & the occasional Sunday night in your "sunday bests" & sit in the front row looking perfect & pretty & sing songs & pray to Me. Yeah. Do that & I'll take care of the rest of the world & it's problems." Umm, no. Pretty sure I've never read that anywhere in the Bible. I think back over scriptures that i've read & the stories that were told & i recall stories of men & women being called by God to action. Moses, Noah, Jonah, Paul, SO many others and, not to mention, Jesus. Not a single one of these people sat on their bums waiting for God to take action while they sat there watching. No. After they prayed, they took action. They went out. Moses delivered the Isrealites from Egypt. Noah built the ark not even knowing what an ark or rain or a flood was. Jonah preached the Good News to an evil nation that was known for it's cruelty & forms of torturing. Paul lived a life of servanthood preaching the Good News to all selflessly. and then there is Jesus...
i get slightly disguisted with the church of today when i think about how spoiled we are and how we can't even take time to help someone who's hurting or in need of something unless we saw an announcement for it in the church bulletin & it is convenient for us to fit into our frivolous self-indulgent schedules. i think that we too easily forget what our purpose & calling is. love & sharing the Good news. not judging & condemning & sharing our opinions out of turn. so often do i hear of people that were "turned off" by the church because they got funny looks & were reprimanded for looking a certain way, speaking or thinking differently, not having the perfect upbringing, having a child outside of marriage, for being homosexual as well as other things. i think that the church has forgotten that grace is to be extended further than just ourselves & that we are to love everyone the way that Jesus loves. Have we forgotten that we are all sinners saved by grace? that not one of us is better than another? not a single one of us has rose scented poo! Romans 3 & 1 Cor. 6:9-11 talks of this (not the poo part). Jesus loved the crooked tax collector, the adulterous woman, the prostitute, the thief, the doubting - He loved them all. They accepted Him because He met them where they were. He didn't say, "I'll love you only AFTER you change your ways of sin". No. He loved them 1st where they were & it was because of this love that they accepted Him as their Saviour. we are to love others this same way. 1 John 4:7-21 speaks about how we love God because He 1st loved us & how if we don't love our brother that we can actually physically see that we don't or can't really love a God that we can't see. you see - God is love. so if we are to live our lives with Jesus being our example, then why do we insist that inorder for us to love people that they need to first change & conform to the "modern christian lifestyle"? why do we judge people instead of loving them how they are & trusting that God is working in them? why isn't our first instinct to extend grace? sometimes it feels like we still live under the condemnation of the law. these are some things that i question & think about. there are so many people that are hurting and need to know the reality of Christ's love. what are you doing to help them? my heart breaks at the thought that there is someone that hasn't felt that beautiful, deep, selfless love that Christ has for us all.
so i ask myself, as well as you, in regards to all of this: what are you doing? what should you be doing? have you gotten comfortable? lethargic? have you become numb? complacent?
i know that this could sound of a harsh lecture from atop my hoity toity soap box but i hope that this causes you to be honest with yourself & to think and search for truth for your own life. i pray that you see my heart.
i was talking to someone today about some of our countries' current issues - racisim, equal rights for homosexuals, health care, how the government has lost sight of why it was created - to help the people, not control or take advantage of them, corrupted democracy, how because of greed & self-righteousness there will always be poor amongst the abundantly wealthy. conversations like this can easily make me feel overwhelmed by the weight of all that is wrong & corrupt in our world & specifically our country. there is so much gone wrong in our world. if we ever want to see a change, action will be required. this makes me think about the church.
What is the church doing today to help a world that has lost sight of it's purpose? A world that every day falls deeper & deeper into a dark & deceitful pit of self gratification, lust & greed. The most common action that the church takes is prayer. Prayer & intercession for the hurting, the needy, the broken, the saints, the lost, the forgotten, the searching, the humbled, the wicked, the proud and so on and so on. But what else does the church do? I know that there are some that go further than that, further than their favorite church pew that they sit in once or twice a week. but I wonder how many of us go beyond just praying. (know that i am not negating from the power or importance of prayer.) I dare say a more important question would be what is the church supposed to be doing? we live in a world that is corrupt in comparison to the way it was created & we say we desire to see a change & yet so many of us are just sitting on our bums crossing our fingers oh-so-tightly wishing & praying that "hopefully everything will all work out for the best". We are to trust in God in everything, true, however, God never said "oh, just kick back & relax & trust that I'll take care of everything juuuust as long as you make sure to show up every Sunday morning & the occasional Sunday night in your "sunday bests" & sit in the front row looking perfect & pretty & sing songs & pray to Me. Yeah. Do that & I'll take care of the rest of the world & it's problems." Umm, no. Pretty sure I've never read that anywhere in the Bible. I think back over scriptures that i've read & the stories that were told & i recall stories of men & women being called by God to action. Moses, Noah, Jonah, Paul, SO many others and, not to mention, Jesus. Not a single one of these people sat on their bums waiting for God to take action while they sat there watching. No. After they prayed, they took action. They went out. Moses delivered the Isrealites from Egypt. Noah built the ark not even knowing what an ark or rain or a flood was. Jonah preached the Good News to an evil nation that was known for it's cruelty & forms of torturing. Paul lived a life of servanthood preaching the Good News to all selflessly. and then there is Jesus...
i get slightly disguisted with the church of today when i think about how spoiled we are and how we can't even take time to help someone who's hurting or in need of something unless we saw an announcement for it in the church bulletin & it is convenient for us to fit into our frivolous self-indulgent schedules. i think that we too easily forget what our purpose & calling is. love & sharing the Good news. not judging & condemning & sharing our opinions out of turn. so often do i hear of people that were "turned off" by the church because they got funny looks & were reprimanded for looking a certain way, speaking or thinking differently, not having the perfect upbringing, having a child outside of marriage, for being homosexual as well as other things. i think that the church has forgotten that grace is to be extended further than just ourselves & that we are to love everyone the way that Jesus loves. Have we forgotten that we are all sinners saved by grace? that not one of us is better than another? not a single one of us has rose scented poo! Romans 3 & 1 Cor. 6:9-11 talks of this (not the poo part). Jesus loved the crooked tax collector, the adulterous woman, the prostitute, the thief, the doubting - He loved them all. They accepted Him because He met them where they were. He didn't say, "I'll love you only AFTER you change your ways of sin". No. He loved them 1st where they were & it was because of this love that they accepted Him as their Saviour. we are to love others this same way. 1 John 4:7-21 speaks about how we love God because He 1st loved us & how if we don't love our brother that we can actually physically see that we don't or can't really love a God that we can't see. you see - God is love. so if we are to live our lives with Jesus being our example, then why do we insist that inorder for us to love people that they need to first change & conform to the "modern christian lifestyle"? why do we judge people instead of loving them how they are & trusting that God is working in them? why isn't our first instinct to extend grace? sometimes it feels like we still live under the condemnation of the law. these are some things that i question & think about. there are so many people that are hurting and need to know the reality of Christ's love. what are you doing to help them? my heart breaks at the thought that there is someone that hasn't felt that beautiful, deep, selfless love that Christ has for us all.
so i ask myself, as well as you, in regards to all of this: what are you doing? what should you be doing? have you gotten comfortable? lethargic? have you become numb? complacent?
i know that this could sound of a harsh lecture from atop my hoity toity soap box but i hope that this causes you to be honest with yourself & to think and search for truth for your own life. i pray that you see my heart.
10.22.2009
to think lewis could have been my soul mate...
Clive Staples Lewis. I always knew that he was a great mind. Wise, deep, inteligent, insightful, sensitive, passionate (not to mention he had a yummy accent. mmm. mmm.). But it wasn't until recently that I've fallen in love with his works. For whatever reason, regardless of the fact that I have owned some of his books (which I noticed I'm missing my copy of "Four Loves" if anyone knows where it is??), his words have never struck quite the same as they are now. Maybe I've become enlightened & now see things on a different plain. I'm not sure. All I know is that I am glad for it. I've recently (thanks to the continual urging of a friend) read "The Weight of Glory" and let me tell you...it's rocked my world. Undeniably. I keep telling EVERYONE, no joke, EVERYONE i run into about it & try to convince them to read it! let me be completely honest here...if able to, i actually take it out of my purse & make them read it right there on the spot! lol Just shy of a bakers dozen, actually. ;) I've recently been going through an emotionally trying time the last few months - what exactly caused it...i'm still not sure. I am sure it was brought on by more than 1 "thing". But as I've been working through it & realizing things about myself & how I think, process, react & feel, it wasn't until I read his sermon that I regained some very real & much needed clarity. It hit me like a ton of bricks so much so that as I was reading it in a very public coffee house tears began to roll down my cheeks. And for me that isn't such a common thing. If you've not read it before I not only suggest you do so NOW, but I beg you to. I know how enlightening it has been to me & truly helped me regain some sense of sanity in a world I have no real control over & I would love nothing more than for you to have that for yourself. I still don't fully understand what my deal has been the last several months, but I know for certain that I've made it through on top. I have been so happy the last few days. Like inner peace with life & God kinda happy. Nothing beats that. Not a dang thing. It's worth every last one of the confusing, trying, sad, hard, rough & disheartening times we go through in this life.
I'd like to share a couple paragraphs from Clive's sermon "The Weight of Glory" that really hit home for me. I still STRONGLY encourage you to read it in full on your own.
"Indeed, if we consider the unblushing promises of reward and the staggering nature of the rewards promised in the Gospels, it would seem that Our Lord finds our desires, not too strong, but too weak. We are half-hearted creatures, fooling about with drink and sex and ambition when infinite joy is offered us, like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in a slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at the sea. WE ARE FAR TOO EASILY PLEASED."
"I am trying to rip open the inconsolable secret in each one of you - the secret which hurts so much that you take your revenge on it by calling it names like Nostalgia and Romanticism and Adolescence; the secret also which pierces with such sweetness that when, in very intimate conversation, the mention of it becomes imminent, we grow awkward and affect to laugh at ourselves; the secret we cannot hide and cannot tell, though we desire to do both. We cannot tell it because it is a desire for something that has never actually appeared in our experience. We cannot hide it because our experience is constantly suggesting it, and we betray ourselves like lovers at the mention of a name. Our commonest expedient is to call it beauty and behave as if that had settled the matter. Wordsworth's expedient was to identify it with certain moments in the past. But all this is a cheat. If Wordsworth had gone back to those moments in the past, he would not have found the thing itself, but only the reminder of it; what he remembered would turn out to be itself a remembering. The books or the music in which we thought the beauty was located will betray us if we trust to them; it was not in them, it only came through them, and what came through them was longing. These things - the beauty, the memory of our own past - are good images of what we really desire; but if they are mistaken for the thing itself they turn into dumb idols, breaking the hearts of their worshippers. For they are not the thing itself; they are only the scent of a flower we have not found, the echo of a tune we have not heard, news from a country we have never yet visited."
The Weight of Glory
by C.S. Lewis
November 1941
Clive...Jack...C.S....whatever you go by...thank you. you know just what to say to a lady to make her melt. if only you were here today still, Love. ;)
jill. out.
I'd like to share a couple paragraphs from Clive's sermon "The Weight of Glory" that really hit home for me. I still STRONGLY encourage you to read it in full on your own.
"Indeed, if we consider the unblushing promises of reward and the staggering nature of the rewards promised in the Gospels, it would seem that Our Lord finds our desires, not too strong, but too weak. We are half-hearted creatures, fooling about with drink and sex and ambition when infinite joy is offered us, like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in a slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at the sea. WE ARE FAR TOO EASILY PLEASED."
"I am trying to rip open the inconsolable secret in each one of you - the secret which hurts so much that you take your revenge on it by calling it names like Nostalgia and Romanticism and Adolescence; the secret also which pierces with such sweetness that when, in very intimate conversation, the mention of it becomes imminent, we grow awkward and affect to laugh at ourselves; the secret we cannot hide and cannot tell, though we desire to do both. We cannot tell it because it is a desire for something that has never actually appeared in our experience. We cannot hide it because our experience is constantly suggesting it, and we betray ourselves like lovers at the mention of a name. Our commonest expedient is to call it beauty and behave as if that had settled the matter. Wordsworth's expedient was to identify it with certain moments in the past. But all this is a cheat. If Wordsworth had gone back to those moments in the past, he would not have found the thing itself, but only the reminder of it; what he remembered would turn out to be itself a remembering. The books or the music in which we thought the beauty was located will betray us if we trust to them; it was not in them, it only came through them, and what came through them was longing. These things - the beauty, the memory of our own past - are good images of what we really desire; but if they are mistaken for the thing itself they turn into dumb idols, breaking the hearts of their worshippers. For they are not the thing itself; they are only the scent of a flower we have not found, the echo of a tune we have not heard, news from a country we have never yet visited."
The Weight of Glory
by C.S. Lewis
November 1941
Clive...Jack...C.S....whatever you go by...thank you. you know just what to say to a lady to make her melt. if only you were here today still, Love. ;)
jill. out.
10.18.2009
just a thought
i came across some thoughts, quotes & sayings i've had for several years. they're very simple & basic but i feel like sharing them, more so in hopes that they'll sink into my head.
Everything in His time
*In order to grow we must learn how to love & accept correction, and then, how to give it*
if you have a problem - face it. It's the only way to correct it & grow.
I find life funny. It's rather ironic at times. I think it's funny that God created humans to give glory to Him and now the majority of humans mock Him & curse Him. He created a perfect paradise for adam & eve & gave them everything they could ever want or need and yet eve screwed it all up. and God knew they would do that. now there's death, destruction, disease, despair, etc. (notice how everything negative starts with "d" except negative itself?! d*mn.) and then the craziest part about all of that is that the very Being that created this had to DIE to save it. i don't understand why, God being the all-knowing God that He is, would KNOWINGLY create us if He already knew that we were going to muck things up? please. explain that one to me. i can't wrap my mind around it. why would He purposely create hurt & pain for Himself? He already KNEW what was going to happen! at least that's what i've learned over the years. why would someone put themselves in a situation that they knew would hurt them if they did? mind boggling, isn't it?
Everything in His time
*In order to grow we must learn how to love & accept correction, and then, how to give it*
if you have a problem - face it. It's the only way to correct it & grow.
I find life funny. It's rather ironic at times. I think it's funny that God created humans to give glory to Him and now the majority of humans mock Him & curse Him. He created a perfect paradise for adam & eve & gave them everything they could ever want or need and yet eve screwed it all up. and God knew they would do that. now there's death, destruction, disease, despair, etc. (notice how everything negative starts with "d" except negative itself?! d*mn.) and then the craziest part about all of that is that the very Being that created this had to DIE to save it. i don't understand why, God being the all-knowing God that He is, would KNOWINGLY create us if He already knew that we were going to muck things up? please. explain that one to me. i can't wrap my mind around it. why would He purposely create hurt & pain for Himself? He already KNEW what was going to happen! at least that's what i've learned over the years. why would someone put themselves in a situation that they knew would hurt them if they did? mind boggling, isn't it?
9.28.2009
Trust. So much behind such a little word
What does it mean to trust God? What does it really look like? To trust God...
Peace:
a state of mutual harmony between people or groups; freedom of the mind from any annoyance, distraction, anxiety, obsession, etc.
Phillipians 4:4-9 says, " Rejoice in the Lord always; again I say rejoice! Let your gentle spirit be known to all men. The Lord is near. Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer & supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Finally, brethern, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, dwell on these things. The things you have learned and received and heard and seen in me, practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you."
If God is the God of peace, if we trusted Him, wouldn't we have peace? Wouldn't we have peace of mind? Wouldn't we be at peace with one another dispite having differing opinions? These are some questions that I go back to.
Trust:
to rely upon or place confidence in someone or something; to believe; to permit to remain or go somewhere or to do something without fear of consequence;
To trust is to believe; to be without fear. Then take that one step further & actually be confident in that. So you could say that to trust would require you to be at peace. To trust God would mean to free our minds from any anxious thoughts, to relinquish any fears that we have & be confident that our God, our Creator, is able to handle everything on His own - without us. If we believe that God is all mighty, all powerful, all knowing & that He created us, why do we have such a hard time trusting Him with the little things? I mean, really trusting Him. Where do believing & trusting intersect? faith, perhaps?
9.11.2009
take rest
my heart is heavy but your yoke is light. to all of my worries you'll shed no light. you are enough all else is dead. you say take rest, don't worry, lay down your weary head.
to figure out what it all means a quest we can only dream to see. i have the desire i have the dream but it's ripping apart at it's very seam. you tell me take rest. don't worry, i've met every need. i see where you are i see every deed. take rest now, my love, i am here by your side. breath in now, my love, take rest.
to have so much love but nowhere to give it. to have so much love but no one to live it. an eternal struggle one fights in vain. i turn, head hung low - i walk away nothing short of deep rooted pain. you say here i am, take rest love of mine. be still, love and trust. my arms are open wide.
take rest.
to figure out what it all means a quest we can only dream to see. i have the desire i have the dream but it's ripping apart at it's very seam. you tell me take rest. don't worry, i've met every need. i see where you are i see every deed. take rest now, my love, i am here by your side. breath in now, my love, take rest.
to have so much love but nowhere to give it. to have so much love but no one to live it. an eternal struggle one fights in vain. i turn, head hung low - i walk away nothing short of deep rooted pain. you say here i am, take rest love of mine. be still, love and trust. my arms are open wide.
take rest.
6.23.2009
Walking into Walls
If you have read my previous blog your first glance at the title of this one-sided conversation could lead one to believe that this is going to be a lengthy "heart & soul tell all" kind of a babble. :) If you were looking forward to reading something along those lines, I apologize, for it is not.....& if you were looking forward to that, I am sad for you because you must be really bored ;) go for a jog or read a real book by a real author.
Now, walking into walls....that's what I am doing today. Literally. Ha. Aaaaand I happen to be doing it infront of my boss! She already doesn't think much of me, or anyone else for that matter, so this just makes it hilarious! Me...walking into walls....in front of her. As if not being able to sleep but for a few hours last night wasn't punishment enough when the alarm clock went off @ 6:30 AM. :( I wish it would have been one of those "turned around & grazed the wall with my arm" kind of things, but of course, it wasn't. No, when I turned around to walk back to my desk it was nothing so graceful. I turned, took a step, and BAM! there's my face implanted in the wall! Hahahaha. Holy shnykies. How ridiculously embaressing. What a long flipping day it is going to be. I hope somebody laughed from this. :) I know I did.
Ps. go buy Hillsong's new CD. You'll be very happy. promise!
Now, walking into walls....that's what I am doing today. Literally. Ha. Aaaaand I happen to be doing it infront of my boss! She already doesn't think much of me, or anyone else for that matter, so this just makes it hilarious! Me...walking into walls....in front of her. As if not being able to sleep but for a few hours last night wasn't punishment enough when the alarm clock went off @ 6:30 AM. :( I wish it would have been one of those "turned around & grazed the wall with my arm" kind of things, but of course, it wasn't. No, when I turned around to walk back to my desk it was nothing so graceful. I turned, took a step, and BAM! there's my face implanted in the wall! Hahahaha. Holy shnykies. How ridiculously embaressing. What a long flipping day it is going to be. I hope somebody laughed from this. :) I know I did.
Ps. go buy Hillsong's new CD. You'll be very happy. promise!
6.21.2009
An ode to my love
I wrote this one day to my sister Mandie in Albuquerque, whom i horribly miss, while bored at work. :) i love making her laugh. Mandie, you make me feel like the funniest person ever to have lived! :)
when i lie in bed each night admist my sleeplessness dreaming of us, nay, longing for us to be together again, my heart flitters and my soul yearns that one day soon, my love, to me, shall be with me once more forevermore.
when i lie in bed each night admist my sleeplessness dreaming of us, nay, longing for us to be together again, my heart flitters and my soul yearns that one day soon, my love, to me, shall be with me once more forevermore.
I apologize now if anyone reads this... :)
I have so many things on my heart and in my head I can't figure out just where to begin.
Well, I have made a few changes in my life these last few months. I have decided to go to a new church. I have mixed feelings about this. Do understand that I am very excited about this, however, I have some reservations. You will see if you choose to continue reading. I have been at Central for the last 20 years of my life. Central is home to me. It was literally like my 2nd home growing up. I know that place like the back of my hand. When people would get locked out of the Sunday School office they would come and find me and I would break into it with this funny little plant leaf that they had in the women's bathroom! I love those silly memories. :) I prided myself on that one growing up. Heck, I'm not going to lie...I still do! ;) Everyone there that I have grown to love and appreciate over the years are my family. I'm closer to them than I am some of my own flesh & blood. If it hadn't been for Pastor Doug (a man I love & respect just as dearly as my own father), I never would have started playing guitar outside of my room! To you, I say thank you. Thank you for making me play guitar in front of, oh, I don't know, 300 - 700+ people nearly every Sunday regardless of my insane shyness and constant anxiety! Haha. You have helped me become a better person and musician. I admire and respect you. You have been and will always be one of my spiritual mentors (yup, you're still stuck with me). ;) Side note: I am amazed that I can play guitar in front of the entire church now with practically no anxiety but I can't seem to play in front of a small group of people or even worse - a single person! Haha. pathetic. moving on now. Central has always been my family. However, I believe that it is time for me to plant my own seeds and to find my own place based on my own beliefs and principals. Now I find myself attending this church called Renovate. I love it. I don't think I've attended a single service where I hadn't wept from my spirit being moved by the worship. The lessons have also been encouraging to me. I look forward to each Sunday morning just so I can worship with everyone there. I feel a sense of freedom. It's amazing. I have met a few very nice & lovely people. However, I wasn't emotionally or mentally prepared to be the "new chick" that people notice but don't engage. It kinda sucks. I believe that I will now always go out of my way to greet new faces where ever I may be. I didn't know it could be so...awkward being new. The first time I walked in there I expected to just mesh right in & to get plugged into a core group of people & to begin working in ministry soon after. Well, I have been going there for 1 1/2 months now and I haven't even met the pastor & his wife. Ha. So, you can understand how I might be feeling slightly discouraged and a little sad. It kinda hit me like a ton of bricks as I walked out the church doors this morning not meeting a single new face, that I might have had some unrealistic expectations. I didn't realize that it would be such a long & emotional process. I want to introduce myself to people I see randomly but I'm afraid I'll be dubbed as the "crazy new chick that lacks social finesse"! Hahaha. Oiy. I think that the Lord is really just going to town with me on this one. He's having me face some things right now that can be trying, but I know that it's only to make me stronger. More like him (hopefully. that's the general idea, right?). I am grateful that He loves me enough to spend the time & efforts on me! What a guy ;) I am definitely going through...something. I am surrounded by people and yet my heart is so sad. I know that it is God desiring me to have Him be my all. To be my friend, my provider, my love, my soul's mate, my prince in shining armour - my everything. These lyrics have been running through my head for the last month or so, "Lord you have my heart, and I will search for yours, Jesus take my life and lead me on. Lord you have my heart, and I will search for yours, let me be to you a sacrifice." - just some of the words to 'Lord you have my heart'. My hearts song has been to know God in the most intimate of ways. I realize that there are some "things" that need to be removed from my life before that can happen. I know that God has been removing all of my "security blankets" from my life for the last several years. I am definitely feeling the effects of it! It's bitter sweet. It can make my flesh just cringe & boil but when He's done my heart & spirit feel so refreshed! It's a sweet thing. My prayer right now is for God to be my everything. My all-in-all. I mean, I am a single 23 year old woman -it's natural to be in want of a few things right now. ;) But my prayer is that I will put all of that aside and focus on God and trust that all of my hearts desires will be fulfilled in His timing (Ps. 37:4). This morning Dave Diller - Pastor of Renovate - said something rather enlightening today. He said something along the lines of "you don't hurt for nothing". You don't pain for nothing. Everything that we experience, there is a PURPOSE for it. I found encouragement in that today. In our brokenness that is when God molds us in His image. Wow. What a God. He loves us SO much that He wants to share His very self with us. Alright...I could go on and on with this one...I will spare you. If there's even a "you" out there reading this. :) I don't care. I needed to get this off of my chest. The scary thing is that this is hardly skimming the surface! ;) So....the saga will continue. Probably later tonight. poor saps. ;)
Well, I have made a few changes in my life these last few months. I have decided to go to a new church. I have mixed feelings about this. Do understand that I am very excited about this, however, I have some reservations. You will see if you choose to continue reading. I have been at Central for the last 20 years of my life. Central is home to me. It was literally like my 2nd home growing up. I know that place like the back of my hand. When people would get locked out of the Sunday School office they would come and find me and I would break into it with this funny little plant leaf that they had in the women's bathroom! I love those silly memories. :) I prided myself on that one growing up. Heck, I'm not going to lie...I still do! ;) Everyone there that I have grown to love and appreciate over the years are my family. I'm closer to them than I am some of my own flesh & blood. If it hadn't been for Pastor Doug (a man I love & respect just as dearly as my own father), I never would have started playing guitar outside of my room! To you, I say thank you. Thank you for making me play guitar in front of, oh, I don't know, 300 - 700+ people nearly every Sunday regardless of my insane shyness and constant anxiety! Haha. You have helped me become a better person and musician. I admire and respect you. You have been and will always be one of my spiritual mentors (yup, you're still stuck with me). ;) Side note: I am amazed that I can play guitar in front of the entire church now with practically no anxiety but I can't seem to play in front of a small group of people or even worse - a single person! Haha. pathetic. moving on now. Central has always been my family. However, I believe that it is time for me to plant my own seeds and to find my own place based on my own beliefs and principals. Now I find myself attending this church called Renovate. I love it. I don't think I've attended a single service where I hadn't wept from my spirit being moved by the worship. The lessons have also been encouraging to me. I look forward to each Sunday morning just so I can worship with everyone there. I feel a sense of freedom. It's amazing. I have met a few very nice & lovely people. However, I wasn't emotionally or mentally prepared to be the "new chick" that people notice but don't engage. It kinda sucks. I believe that I will now always go out of my way to greet new faces where ever I may be. I didn't know it could be so...awkward being new. The first time I walked in there I expected to just mesh right in & to get plugged into a core group of people & to begin working in ministry soon after. Well, I have been going there for 1 1/2 months now and I haven't even met the pastor & his wife. Ha. So, you can understand how I might be feeling slightly discouraged and a little sad. It kinda hit me like a ton of bricks as I walked out the church doors this morning not meeting a single new face, that I might have had some unrealistic expectations. I didn't realize that it would be such a long & emotional process. I want to introduce myself to people I see randomly but I'm afraid I'll be dubbed as the "crazy new chick that lacks social finesse"! Hahaha. Oiy. I think that the Lord is really just going to town with me on this one. He's having me face some things right now that can be trying, but I know that it's only to make me stronger. More like him (hopefully. that's the general idea, right?). I am grateful that He loves me enough to spend the time & efforts on me! What a guy ;) I am definitely going through...something. I am surrounded by people and yet my heart is so sad. I know that it is God desiring me to have Him be my all. To be my friend, my provider, my love, my soul's mate, my prince in shining armour - my everything. These lyrics have been running through my head for the last month or so, "Lord you have my heart, and I will search for yours, Jesus take my life and lead me on. Lord you have my heart, and I will search for yours, let me be to you a sacrifice." - just some of the words to 'Lord you have my heart'. My hearts song has been to know God in the most intimate of ways. I realize that there are some "things" that need to be removed from my life before that can happen. I know that God has been removing all of my "security blankets" from my life for the last several years. I am definitely feeling the effects of it! It's bitter sweet. It can make my flesh just cringe & boil but when He's done my heart & spirit feel so refreshed! It's a sweet thing. My prayer right now is for God to be my everything. My all-in-all. I mean, I am a single 23 year old woman -it's natural to be in want of a few things right now. ;) But my prayer is that I will put all of that aside and focus on God and trust that all of my hearts desires will be fulfilled in His timing (Ps. 37:4). This morning Dave Diller - Pastor of Renovate - said something rather enlightening today. He said something along the lines of "you don't hurt for nothing". You don't pain for nothing. Everything that we experience, there is a PURPOSE for it. I found encouragement in that today. In our brokenness that is when God molds us in His image. Wow. What a God. He loves us SO much that He wants to share His very self with us. Alright...I could go on and on with this one...I will spare you. If there's even a "you" out there reading this. :) I don't care. I needed to get this off of my chest. The scary thing is that this is hardly skimming the surface! ;) So....the saga will continue. Probably later tonight. poor saps. ;)
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